Ask Me Anything! - RespectMe

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“How can I talk to the person I have a crush on without acting like a dickhead?”

Lots of thoughts and feelings arise when you are around the person you like – and a big one is the fear of rejection. Most people are scared of being rejected because they think that it means that there is something wrong with them. But chances are, if you’re trying to act like anyone other than whom you really are, you’re probably acting like a bit of a douche. Just remember that this relationship stuff is new to everyone your age and the person you like is probably just as nervous about getting it right as you are.

“Is it normal to be obsessed with someone?”

It is normal and natural to think about someone you have a crush on a lot of the time. However, as with anything, if it starts to affect other areas of your life you may need to talk to an adult about what is happening for you. It is also important to keep your actions and behaviour towards the other person respectful. Being obsessive towards another person may be frightening for them and some actions may be against the law eg: stalking.

“Should people watch porn while having sex?”

Everyone has different ways of getting excited and again, exploring your sexual desires is a natural and healthy thing. I guess the thing to be mindful of is that porn can create some very unrealistic expectations about sex, sexual acts, what women look like, what men look like and what people enjoy in sexual relationships. With all of this in mind, it’s really up to you and your partner to communicate with each other and decide if you are both happy to include this in your sexual relationship.

“Is it ok to look at porn?”

This is a really personal decision and can be a very sensitive issue. People have very different feelings and opinions about porn. For a lot of young people, viewing porn is their first experience of sex so it is important to remember that porn can give people unrealistic ideas about sex, sexual acts, what women look like, what men look like and what people enjoy in sexual relationships. A lot of on- line porn involves acts of degradation and violence that do not reflect respectful behaviour in real life relationships.

“What is the best way to handle a situation if you don’t give consent and they continue?”

If you have been sexually assaulted the most important thing to remember is that it’s not your fault. This is a really frightening situation to be in and can make you feel extremely disempowered. Because all of us are different and every situation is different we may react in different ways. It’s important to remember that if you haven’t given consent and the other person continues they have committed a sexual crime.

Usually when we are confronted by a threat, our survival instinct will kick in and there are several ways we might respond. We could either go into what is called a flight, fight or freeze mode. Whatever your instinctive reaction is it’s important to realise that you have done exactly what you needed to do in that moment to keep yourself safe and the only person at fault is the person that sexually assaulted you. If you have been sexually assaulted there is a number support options available check out our Sexual Assault page for more information.

“What can you do about domestic violence if you’re told to keep it a secret?”

Having to keep a secret like that is really hard, particularly if it’s in your family, or if you’re concerned about the safety and wellbeing of another person. Sometimes, but certainly not always, talking about the violence can make it worse if you’re given the wrong advice or if the person you talk to tells the wrong people at the wrong time. However, it is really important that you talk to someone who you can trust and who will be able to help you know what to do. There are a number of people in school that you can talk to such as guidance officers/counsellors; there are also many community support services that specialise in domestic violence counselling. For more information, check out our page on Intimate Partner Violence and how to support someone experiencing this.

“What do you do or say to help if your friend is in an unhealthy relationship?”

It can be really hard to watch your close friend stay in an unhealthy relationship but the most important thing you can do is to be there for your friend and support them no matter what their decision is (if they stay in the relationship or break up).

Talking and listening to your friend shows that you care and this may also help your friend realise that they may not be in a respectful relationship. It’s important not to blame your friend for the relationship or tell them to leave. Instead ask them if there is anything you can do to help, let them know about the support services in school or in your community that may be helpful. For more information check out our page on Intimate Partner Violence for tips on what to do & say to a friend who may be in an unhealthy relationship.

“Why do I fight with my friend even when I try my hardest to be the bigger person and try to make no mistakes?” This is a complex question and one that is a little difficult to answer without the context. Friends can have different views, different beliefs, hobbies, interests, lifestyles and still be great friends. It's all about respect and healthy communication. It sounds like what would be helpful is to check in with yourself around what is and makes a good friend/friendship and work out if what you and your friend have is healthy, balanced and respectful. I noticed, you said you try not to make any mistakes. It is a good idea to check in with yourself around what mistakes you are talking about. If your friends' expectations are controlling, for example, you spend time with someone else and he/she gets angry at you and makes you feel like you have made a mistake, then your friend is not respecting your right to have other friends. Your friends should always support you and not try to control you. If however, your mistake is talking negatively about your friend behind his/her back and your friend gets upset, then you have broken your responsibility to be a good friend and your friend can decide if they still want to be friends with you or not. You can’t ever control how someone else behaves, but you can decide whether you want to be friends with someone who doesn’t respect your rights. And ALWAYS remember your responsibilities. If you are friends with someone, you are responsible for treating them with respect and making sure that you don’t harm them - physically or emotionally. Some ways to check if you and your friend are treating each other respectfully:

Accept people as they are. You can like other people even if you don't agree with everything they say or do.
Be a good listener so that others can tell that you are really interested in what they are saying.
Ask them about themselves.
Be a positive person; talk about the good things in your life. No one wants to be hassled by problems all the time.
Don't be a cruel gossip or tell tales… "She said… and I don't think she likes… and she doesn't want to be your friend." Sounds familiar?

If it continues to be a problem for you, speak to an adult that you trust to give you good advice on how to be a good friend. A good guide is to treat other people the way that you like to be treated! Also check out our post on Relationship Rights and Responsibilities. - Christie

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